Summary: Based on serious s9 premiere spoilers.
They're all in black, even Sofia, and somehow that's the hardest thing. She can't begin to think about what's happened and who's missing from her life right now and forever, so she focuses on the colour everyone's wearing and how it somehow makes them look sadder, it washes them out; it makes sunken eyes and tiredness more visible. And hell, everyone looks tired.
The vicar's talking about Dr Sloan, who saved lives and changed lives with reconstructive surgeries, and was a brilliant father and had further ambitions in his career, and all she can think about is how no other man's ever made her scream like that, between the sheets. She mentally scolds her, that's totally inappropriate, they're in church, for heaven's sake and the man she's thinking about like that is dead, and is going to be gone forever – she doesn't think she can fully take that in right now – but she can't stop thinking it. Then she sees his face as he was lying to her about breaking their 60 day pact, for her benefit, another chance at the two of them she threw away. Between the two of them, they were completely useless. They never seemed to be in the same state of mind at the same time, somehow they always had seemed to miss each other, and she thinks, if she's honest with herself, that she was always expecting Mark to crop back up, and one day… one day they'd want the same thing and they'd finally find each other. One day. The tears refresh themselves in her eyes as she realises that one day's completely gone now. The moment he sat in her bed and she realised he was going back to Lexie crosses her mind then, and she remembers how she scolded herself for allowing to hope that things had changed, they'd got their timing right this time. And now that was never going to happen.
She remembers when she got the phone-call – it was Derek, which was so many levels of irony in reality – and she'd been out to lunch with Jake, and Derek hadn't said anything else, his voice had been thick with tears itself, and he'd said: "Mark's dead, Addie…" straight away, and she'd dropped the phone on the floor, and stared down at her soup for a few minutes. Jake, who she'd been constantly realising how brilliant he was, ever since she'd chosen him, told Sam he'd hurt her too many times, had picked up the phone and managed to get what had happened out of Derek, and find out that the funeral was in the next few days. When she finally managed to raise her eyes to the man sat opposite her, he had given her a small, almost resigned smile, and told her he was taking her and Henry to Seattle for the funeral, and he'd watch her son whilst she went.
So Henry wasn't here… he and Jake were in their hotel room across the city, but looking at Sofia, she wonders if she could have brought him, done the whole thing without Jake. But she shakes the thought, funerals aren't the place for babies, Sofia's only there because he is… Dear God, he was… her father. That makes Addison sick to the stomach, for more than one reason. She can see the moment like it was yesterday, her telling Mark that she had the abortion, her telling Mark that he wouldn't have been a good father… and she'd been proved wrong about that, hadn't she? He'd been a brilliant father to Sofia, so many levels of perfect, and that tiny little girl was going to grow up and not even remember him. She sighs. She knows Callie and Arizona will be brilliant, she'll always have photos of him, and they'll share so many stories about him with the little girl, but she'll never be able to look back and see his face above hers, remember what he smelt like, remember what it felt like to be in his arms. No one deserves that, especially not a little child who's never done any wrong.
She thinks about Ella, then, because Mark always makes her think about Ella. She's regretted it really since the moment she did it, but never this much, never so much now she's lost Ella's father, too. She ought to have kept that little girl, despite Mark's cheating, despite how messy and difficult the whole thing was going to be. Because Mark wasn't the only one who made mistakes… she'd cheated as well, hadn't she? It's always been at the back of her mind, that that was some sort of bad karma or something; that she'd aborted a baby and then she could never have another one. She's not sure, maybe that's been the man upstairs punishing her or something. She thinks about Henry, then, and how lucky she is to have him, and thinking about Henry makes her think about Jake. He's brilliant, he really is, and he's been perfect for her and her son in the last few months, and there's something there, there is, and she really wants there to be something more, and maybe it to work out as her forever, but all she can think about right now is the man in the coffin in the front of the church. It's strange, what you realise far too late, but it's clear to her now, and she doesn't really understand that she didn't realise it before, but Mark was the one man for her, the love of her life. She's not kidding herself, she knows how much he loved Lexie, how he didn't feel the same way about her as she felt about him, but she can't stop thinking that if he hadn't gone and died on her, they might have found their way to each other eventually. They might have somehow magnetised back together, because that's what happens, when you're meant to be together.
After the funeral, standing in the graveyard at the burial, she is standing opposite Derek and Meredith, with Zola in her arms, rocking the toddler gently. She's suddenly overwhelmed by an innate sense of jealousy – despite the black clothes and the tear running down both their cheeks, they look like the perfect family. And she feels slightly more nauseous when she realises she could have had that with Mark, and with Ella, if they hadn't both had the flaws that they had. If he hadn't cheated, if she hadn't given up and had the abortion, if they both hadn't… She sighs. If is a wonderful word.
She makes a brief appearance at the wake, but she can't stay long. She doesn't have anything to say to any of these people right now – I'm sorry seems so many levels of inadequate – and once she's started to think of it, how much she loved Mark is all that seems to circuit through her mind. So many wasted chances seem to be looping in her head, and she feels a little ill. She makes the appropriate goodbyes and leaves early, and returns to her hotel room to Jake, dozing sitting up on the bed with Henry in his arms.
She cries silently again then, because in that moment they look absolutely so perfect, and they're more than she deserves, and Jake's too good for this really, because if today's told her anything, it's that she's never going to feel about someone the way she felt about Mark.
She stops then, and thinks about all the hundreds of things that went wrong between her and Mark, and she decides that most of them were because of dishonesty, or not telling the truth early enough, and she makes the decision that Jake deserves the truth from her, however difficult that's going to be, however cruel that'll seem. As he wakes, and she gives a tiny smile, she can't help thinking that just because she's ruined all her chances with Mark and Ella, that's all gone, doesn't mean that maybe Jake and Henry isn't her second shot.
She bites the bullet then, and it all comes out in almost a mad rush.
"Mark… Mark was the love of my life, Jake, and I didn't realise that until it was too late, and he didn't feel the same way about me, but… I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again… and I really do completely understand if you wanna run away right now, hell, I would, but there is something here, isn't there? You're more than I deserve, and I want to try something, but if you want to run away…" she trails off, tears running down her cheeks again, not knowing what to make of Jake's slightly stunned expression.
For a few moments, he doesn't say anything, simply stares at her, as if he's trying to decipher everything she's just said. Then he puts his arms around her, making a sort of Jake-Henry-Addison sandwich, and buries his face in her hair.
"I'll give you time." He whispers, pressing a kiss to her hair. "I know how awful it is to lose someone you love. I'll be here, we'll have something… hey, I already want to be Henry's dad…"
She pulls back a little, then, and kisses him lightly. "I'm going to try and get past this. I want the three of us to be a family…"
He rests his forehead against hers, giving her a tiny smile.
That night, once Henry's settled in his cot, she climbs into bed beside Jake and rests her head on his shoulder. It occurs to her as she drifts off that Mark would have wanted her to be happy, and she thinks this family's going to be her best chance at that.
She slips into a dream of a tall, familiar man pushing a seven-or-eight year old red-headed girl with blue eyes on a swing, both of them laughing. And, she supposes, Mark and Ella are together, now.